And I thought my train was cumbersome . . .

Did you guys read this story about a Chinese groom who purchased for his bride a wedding dress adorned with 9999 silk roses and a 1.2 MILE-long train?


Three astounding facts:

1) The train was so long that it took GUESTS more than three hours to lay out the gown. (And to think all we entertained our guests with before the ceremony were our programs.)

2) The bride reportedly "laughed and cried at the romantic gesture." (Yes, I'm sure she cried. Much like I laughed and cried the day my grandfather gave me a white knee-length puffy coat pimped out with marabou feathers and sequins. This day, by the way, was not back in the day, when I was a tutu-wearing, pink-loving five year old, but actually last Christmas.)

3) The gown cost around $5800. (I think that buys you a veil at Kleinfeld's.)

Awesome? Or spectacular wedding fail?

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愛-Vey! What's a First Look?

You know the whole fantasy of the first look? The one where the bride appears for the first time in front of her groom, and his heart skips a beat as he hyperventilates . . . no, cries . . . cries and hyperventilates at the mere sight of this stunning woman that he is lucky enough to spend the rest of his life with?



We missed that memo.

In fact, I don't think Mr. HC was ever briefed on this whole "first look" thing. Poor guy shows up in the lobby, our photographers tell him to face the corner, which he does dutifully, but with no clue as to what was going to happen next. It's possible that he thought we were playing hide and seek. Or, from the scared look on his face, it's far more likely that he thought he was about to get an ol' fashion ass-kicking.

Turns out it was just Miss Giggles.

Some brides show up to their first look all dignified and beautiful and serious. This bride bounded over with her silliest Muppet face and asked of her groom, "Am I a hot bride or what? Snort. Snort."


And then held up her veil, as if to say, "Check it, honey, I got wings." (More likely, I was marveling to Mr. HC, "Look at this veil thingy I'm wearing. Do I look like a bride or what?")


And then I did my best sexy face and attacked him with my over-glossed lips, much the same way I did when we were sixteen and he was too shy to kiss me.

Okay, for you incurable romantics out there, these are probably more along the lines of conventional first look photos: Mr. HC seems to be looking at me adoringly, and we share a sweet kiss. I assure you, though, that it's far more likely that he was thinking, "I've been standing around for five minutes, and this was my big surprise? Where's the brand new car?" It's amazing what black and white photos can do to make a moment look all lovey dovey.

Recently wedded bees, what was your "first look" like? Hilarious -- and heartwarming -- stories welcome.

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愛-Vey! From Hot to Haute

After the tea ceremony, it was time for me to change from my potato sackish qua to the far sexier, and oh-so-appropriately named, Mona Lisa.


By "change," I don't want to imply that I got myself dressed. No sooner had I put on my uber sexy, high-waisted, granny Spanx (ooh la la!), than did Team 愛-Vey swoop into action. I had more well-manicured hands on me than a discount Prada bag at a Barney's tag sale.

As you can see from this photo, I was still the handsiest of the them all. Yeah, I got to second base with myself, and I liked it.

Allow me this moment to give thanks to Ms. Lhuillier. Those delicate beaded cap sleeves, the vintagey embellishment . . . you, Monique, are a true genius. And no one but Weddingbee and Dream Bridal LA knows that this was your work circa 2005 and that I got it at a pretty discount.



Of course, the transformation from Hot to Haute Cocoa wouldn't have been complete without properly haute accessories: a pair of luscious violet silk shantung Manolos and some shiny baubles gifted to me by Hot Mama Cocoa.


What? You didn't think I put the jewelry on myself, did you? Hands. Prada. Sale. Barney's.


Since we had so many events before dress time, our hair and makeup team had already left. But friends-of-honor L and A stepped in and put on the finishing touches. Look at the concentration on those faces. And the "holy crap that's a veil on my head" look on mine.

And with that, the transformation was complete! All I had to do was work my fiercest Tyra walk . . .



. . . and I couldn't resist throwing in a little Julie Andrews "Sound of Music" twirl for good measure. After all, I was all brided up and ready to go!

Next up: A second first look!

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