Look, Mark Badgley and James Mischka, I wasn't mad at you when you chose the Olsen twins for your ad campaign, even though I told you -- nay, insisted -- that I was available. I understand your decision; they are, after all, style icons to the bag lady set. No, I wasn't mad at you even when they showed up with walk-of-shame makeup and Bellatrix Lestrange hair that even your team of crack stylists couldn't fix.
And I have forgiven you for the time you put me in this dress -- holy Martha Stewart, what's with those love handles? -- which made me look like a sausage. A sausage in an overpriced -- albeit sumptuously embellished -- silk casing.
And I've gotten over the pain of having to say goodbye to dear, sweet "Lucia," who gave me a waist and made my butt look uber sexy, because you made her so very very heavy and hot and uncomfortable.
And I've almost recovered from driving four hours to Kleinfeld's to try on this ethereal masterpiece only to discover that you only sent them one sample, which they had sold just before I got there.
Disappointment after disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. And still I pine for you.
Truth be told, Markster and Jimmy, I spent many a night cursing your names, rueing the day I first came upon your vintagey creations. Imagine my surprise and begrudging sense of delight, then, when you sent me via Gilt Groupe this dreamy little number -- a darling confection that's oh so perfect for my rehearsal dinner. Its design even echoes the embellishment of my wedding gown -- how thoughtful of you! And for a fraction of the retail price!
So in honor of the Democratic National Convention, let's play Clinton and Obama and let bygones be bygones. (Btw, I'm still available for your next ad campaign -- you know, just in case one of the Hollywood trollops you've hired needs to drop into emergency rehab. Call me? Please?)
Did you find a fabulous bargain for your rehearsal dinner? Were you lured into purchasing it months in advance of your wedding because -- like me -- you can't let a good sale go by?